Well, it is coming. The one year anniversary. I find it weird how I can feel it physically. I knew it would be emotional, I knew it would be on my mind, but I had no idea that my body would feel it coming like this. Constant nausea, just like after she died. That feeling in the pit of your stomach that just feels queasy, even though you know you aren't going to be sick. And oh the fatigue. I could just sleep and sleep.

Sunday, my little girls birthday is one year since I saw my mom. Even writing that, I tear up. How has so much time passed? I find myself just aching to talk to her. The little things, I want to tell her about the doll I got for Abby. It makes me remember the dolls she gave me when I was little, I wish I could have taken her shopping with me or have her see Abby's face when she opens her gifts. I want to talk to her so that I can laugh again. She always made me laugh at one thing or another, and even though I know I have laughed in the last year, it all feels less genuine. It is a laugh but beneath it all I can still feel the pain. I still feel like I'm not whole. I wonder if that will ever go away...

I'm trying to think back over the past year, but honestly it is very blurry, very fog like. I mean, I can remember the moments of when things happen as if it were this morning. They are forever scarred into my memory. I remember where I was standing and the words that came through the phone and the disbelief and the denial... but after it all, after everyone went back to their lives, my own life got blurry. I look at the year and it can both feel like it has been 10 years or 10 minutes. Which is worse I don't know.

Dear Mom,

I don't dream of you hardly ever now. Where have you been? I miss you so much, there are no moments when you are not somewhere in my thoughts. Life has been so different without you, I wish I had a chance to say some things to you, I never imagined a life without you here. I didn't really say "I love you" much, but I always knew how much you loved me, so I hope you know my love for you was well beyond those three words.

It is lonely here without you. I have to keep to myself so much more. No more daily, two or three times a day, phone calls. I miss hearing about things that you are doing, the funny things people at work did, the annoying things Mike did, or the cool things you are learning in your new job. I will never have a friend like you again. You made me smile no matter what. Your little "nothings" were somehow always interesting. Spending time with you was always comforting and fun. Dunkin Donuts coffee, garage sales, vagina trees, gossiping, laughing...

Rob and Ella have been great to me. They held an art show last October at the new spa with all of your art work. None of us ever really realized how much art you did until we had it all in one place. I know you wouldn't really like everyone staring at it all because you would be embarrassed but seriously, you have no choice, haha. Besides, you were an amazing artist and I am so lucky to have all the "lovers" just for me. Rob likes to be a real therapist to me before my massages and I remember talking to him pretty shortly after you died. He told me about losing his brother, and he told me his theory on life and death. He said that you and I chose this life and these experiences before we came here. Meaning we chose to go through this together. I don't know why I agreed to this if that's true, but I suppose maybe I have something to learn from it all. I am trying but it is so hard. I am so grateful though that I had you for my mom. I guess it is ego-centric but sometimes I think I really had the absolute best Mom a girl could ever ask for, and I am so thank ful for every moment of our time together.

I saw Ann last weekend. We stayed up and talked and laughed for hours, it was so much fun. She reminds me of you sometimes, which I guess she should since you two were so much alike with your crazy sense of humour. The funniest thing was right after you died, we had your book out and Ann flipped through and found the story about her and her period. She laughed and said how you promised not to include that in your book, LOL (anyone who knows you would probably laugh at that, I can just picture your face when the book is published and she reads that story... "oops"!) Wow, I am so thankful that you wrote that book, it always makes me laugh when I really need to. Do you remember the night we went to the hotel here with Patty and stayed up drinking and reading your stories?

Margo gave me something from you after you died. You asked me to take care of Mike and Mikie. I'm not doing a very good job Mom. Mike is a mess and I try not to get angry with him but he doesn't make it easy. Currently I want to ring his neck for the way he handled your life insurance money (I'm sure you know what I'm talking about)... I know he is hurting, but seriously, so am I, so is James and everyone, and I just know you would be mad about this. I feel torn between wanting to scream and strangle him and wanting to give him a hug and make him feel better. Strangely I think I am understanding your relationship better and better, lol. And well, Mikie. I just can't seem to muster the energy for that project. I have been so beside myself with my own grief, I just don't know what to do for him. I admire you so much, how on earth did you manage us all?? Shane is still pretty amazing. Turning into a real upstanding man like we knew he would. Him and Ericka are still together, they are trying to hike all 46 of the Adirondack High Peaks, which is amazing and yet scary when you think of Shane, mister clumsy and forgetful, not to mention the diabetes. But I think Ericka keeps a close eye on him for you. He misses you though, very much. And Jamesly. Your baby. I am so proud of him... I can't imagine having the strength to survive losing you at 15, and he is really amazing... it is obvious how deep his hurt goes, and it breaks your heart to see it, but I am trying to keep my eye on him. I try to leave him chocolate or send him little cards every once in awhile. He is getting very handsome now, so I'm sure you would be very worried about the girl situation right now, especially since he is back in public school now, haha.

I wonder if you can see what an impact you had. So many people miss you, including me. I think the hardest part is letting go of all the future things I would have liked to have you here for. I always thought you and I would end up neighbors someday and annoy Chad and Mike with how often we were at each others house. Or another trip together.... we kept talking about it but we didn't get to do it. Or your advice as I raise Abby, or just your being a grandmother, or "mimi" excuse me, to her. And having you to run to whenever I need it... you were the strongest person I have ever known, how did you get that way? I feel like a puddle of tears all the time. I wish you could be here to see Abby now. She talks a mile a minute, and she remembers you which is amazing. She asks about you all the time.

I miss you so much Mom. I hate that it has been a year since I have talked to you or seen you. Please come visit me in my dreams. I love you....

missing mom...

I miss her. I need her back again. Now, when things get hard or things get bad, they feel unbearable. I feel like I am collapsing under the weight of it.
She was the one I turned to, the one I called, the one I poured my heart out to and was able to walk away laughing about something. Now where can I go? My computer screen... that feels sad. I don't walk away laughing. If I try to talk to Chad we end up fighting. I feel alone.
I can feel my heart and my whole body as if they weigh a ton.