Epiphany?

Last night I was thinking of my mom as I was driving, wondering to myself what it is that has made this such a life altering event, why I seem to feel so empty without her in my life. The answers to those questions are complicated without question, but one of the things I realized is that she was the one person who I never felt invisible to. It is hard to explain... but my whole life I have felt invisible, felt as if there is nothing unique or special to who I am. I have no extreme unique talents, I live in a small house in the same state I have lived my whole life. Growing up, I tried to be the "easy" child. Get good grades, listen to my parents, try to somehow lessen the stress they were under with my brother. And that fly under the radar thing has sort of stuck with me, and made me think that no one would even notice if I wasn't around. My mom and I used to talk everyday, if I didn't call her for more then a day she would most def be calling me to see what was up. I know I can't expect anyone to take that role over now that she is gone. But my Dad and I for awhile were talking every day. I was calling him because I felt like I needed to call someone, it was what I had done for years and years. But then I get depressed and I don't call, and no one calls to wonder why.

And my mom wanted to talk to me just because. Just to see how my day was or to tell me about hers. If I was hurt or angry about something she was the biggest support. She helped me feel justified when that was what I needed. Now I call people and hang up feeling like just a burden. They talk to me because I suppose they feel it is their duty, but mostly they say they don't want to be in the middle of things (which sounds a lot like I don't care to hear about it).

So I guess one of the things I miss most about my mom, is how she made me feel worthwhile, noticed, special, unique, important... and without her my cloak of invisibility seems to be working its awful magic.

I had a dream about her again last night. It is a recurring theme now. In my dream she is suddenly alive again. Either by miracle or by some gross error in thinking she had been dead, she is back, alive and smiling again. And I love these dreams and hate them. I get angry because I feel like it is my subconcious still secretly hoping that this isn't real, this isn't permanent. And when I wake up, I have to face the reality that no such miracle could ever happen.

So where to from here? Therapy I suppose, lol. Who knows really. One foot in front of the other, one day after another. Will my smile ever hold real happiness behind it again? I can smile, I have always been able to smile a lot... but it isn't quite real, or at least not the same. And I have been dreaming of things I want to accomplish, but I have this nagging voice in my head that keeps telling me my dreams are stupid and childish wants from someone who can't get over their mother's death. So I am pulled both ways and not sure how to give myself the push I need to just go after my dreams.