Are you a different person from the one you were before your mom died? It is such a strange feeling, but I know I am forever changed and I can't really describe it. Some people don't like the "new me", but I am trying not to take that to heart. I'm still hurting... still grieving... and I don't think the transformation of myself is anywhere near complete. I am trying to do positive things with the hand I was dealt... I am trying to raise awareness about heart disease in women, trying to learn from my mom's life now that I can truly look at it and analyze it. She lived with heart, she followed her instincts and knew exactly who she was no matter what. In my opinion, living that kind of life requires a great deal of courage and strength. I am trying to appreciate life, trying to do things I want to do instead of putting them off until some unknown day in the future (which may not be given to us). I want to write things down, if for nothing else but for my daughter to have something of me, something to show her who I was as a person, a woman, a mother. I am trying to be positive, but I feel like I am failing miserably at it. Trying to stop assuming people are dead if I can't get in touch with them, lol. I'm trying to be true to myself, even though I don't really know who that is anymore. And occasionally, I just break down and act like a little girl, I just want my mom. She would know what to do. She would talk to me, she would make me laugh. My god, it feels like it has been so long since I have really laughed, laughed and not felt that tug of sadness beneath it. Ugh. Just having that kind of weekend I guess. And seeing my step father falling to pieces makes me even more sad, and it makes me wonder if that's why I haven't been dreaming of her... maybe she is watching over him for now, since he seems to be doing the worst of all of us. (rightfully so considering he also lost his son this year.) The book I am reading says that in times of great pain you have two choices, you can lay down and go to sleep (just give up basically and be numb and let whatever happens happen) or you can keep pushing through the pain to a "re-awakening" of sorts. I am tired, but I'm trying not to just go to sleep. I'm sorry this is so depressing!
Okay, on a positive note, Abby is just the cutest and always makes me smile, especially when she puts on music and does little made up contemporary dances around the kitchen. And tomorrow I am going to the cemetery to bring flowers, and that will be positive as long as it doesn't rain. :) And, I get to see Lyndsey tomorrow night, and hopefully will have a laugh or two.
Big girl
11 years ago
Mandy, you are a changed person, but don't ALL of our experiences and interactions change us in some way or another? We are a product of our environments and we can learn to adapt or not...survival of the fittest, right?? I think you are doing a remarkable job with what you have been dealt and no one can take that away from you!! Love you lots and can't wait to see you tomorrow!!
ReplyDeleteI know precisely what you mean Mandy, about there being 2 different yous. Of course since my mom died when I was 17 and it's been 12 years, it can't be that surprising that there are two mes. But your friend Lindsey is right, all our experiences and interactions are going to change us in some way. Right now it might feel like you were changed in a not so great way, and believe me, there are days I want to A) go to bed, B) go back to the "old" me, but these are things we can't do. We can give up, for a few days (or in my case a few ... uhh, years? ;)) but we have to remember that sometimes it's just about waking up. Sometimes we get to count that as an accomplishment. You're completely wonderful and you are a positive person. You keep me on my game, so don't forget that. I have more to say but I might as well hop on FB and just message you there since I have a message from you there too. How many different forms of communication can we have this week? Phone, blog, FB, lol. Must be the ADD in me. ;) Have a great weekend, I'll be thinking of you! Sending you a GREAT BIG HUG!
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