Response to Ellie's Post...

Wow, lately I have had trouble being positive, so I hope this helps.

In life, she gave me family values. I have never really met another family as close as ours. My brothers, dad, grandparents, aunts and uncles are all so close. I can't imagine surviving losing her without them. She taught me that when you love family it means unconditionally. My brother has struggled with addiction for so many years now, but she never gave up on him, and she never ever stopped loving him. It helps me to think of that when I make mistakes or do things I don't think she would be proud of. I know in my heart she would always love me no matter what.

She gave me the need to always smile, and laugh freely. It feels like it has been awhile since I have really laughed, but I do have a bit of a reputation for always having a smile on my face. And I can't ever forget her sense of humor.

I am not sure, but I think in a way she gave me some of her creativity. I am no where even close to her artistic ability, but I think I am somewhat creative with quilting and different ways.

For better or worse, she for sure gave me her stubbornness. She always thought she was right, and well, I am guilty of that too. She was passionate about her beliefs, and if she believed something was true, good luck trying to argue that with her. Haha, I feel bad for her husbands, and for mine.

She gave me her looks. Everyone has always commented about how we look alike, and what a gift that is now. I think she had more of the beauty and uniqueness that made her striking, but I know I resemble her in certain ways.

She used to love planning things, and wow was she good at it. I also love to plan things, but I am probably not quite as good at it as she was (maybe with time :)

She was passionate about her career in the same way that I am in mine. I could always hear her enthusiasm when she talked about what she did and I think people can sense that in me too.

She always lived with passion, she was accurately described as a "hopeless romantic". In some ways, I think I am too.

And the last thing, most important thing she showed me while she was alive, though I am not learning from it until now, is to follow your heart; be who you are and be comfortable with that; go after what you want no matter what people think; set goals and chase them; believe in yourself. That is kind of long, but I look at her life, she was always so confident, she knew who she was and you either loved her or hated her, and she didn't care which. She loved who she was and that was all that mattered. She always followed her heart no matter what that meant. She explored her passions, took photography classes, painting classes, went back to school after being a stay at home mom for 14 years, found a career she loved and did everything she could to learn more. She also left my dad because she was still in love with her first husband. It was an incredibly hard thing for her to do, it meant losing our house, divorce with 4 kids, and her whole family was completely unsupportive. But she said she loved him, and she couldn't go her entire life and ignore it. I respect her for that, it took a lot of courage. And then, before she died she had been talking about leaving him because of various problems they were having. I remember saying to her, "you know you will probably lose your house and everything..." and she said "what would you rather do, lose everything and be happy or keep everything and be miserable?" I feel like that is so profound and requires so much courage, something I'm not sure I have. I hope I can learn from how she lived and learn how to love who I am, and learn how to listen to my heart over everything else.

And, she taught me how to be a good mom. She was amazing at it. It gives me a great model and something to strive for.

My god Ellie, I miss her, you have me sobbing. That's all I can do for now. Thank you for making me do it though. :)