Today was Abaigeal's first dance recital. I can't really describe the feeling of pride I felt watching her go out on stage... it was just an amazing feeling, and it made me think differently about how our moms must have felt about us so many times throughout our lives. It wasn't until well after that I started to feel as if it was a little bittersweet. My mom would not have missed this for anything. She would have just loved seeing Abby out there dancing. I hate that I can't share any of this with her anymore... And people say that she was there in spirit... but I have no clue how I feel about that. I used to be so sure that there was something after death, and always thought that if it was someone really close to you then you would be able to feel them around you in some way. I haven't had that experience at all. I haven't even had a dream about her in so long now. I have had to suppress some of my anger when everyone else says they can feel them around... why would she be around them and not me?
And then I got that book, "feathers brush my heart", have you read it Ellie? I feel like such a cynic when I read it that I just had to stop. Some of the stories were just making me mad, I mean I have had a few experiences where I wonder... maybe... but then I don't know if I am looking too much into it. And how do you not get mad at me or resent the fact that I got almost ten more years with my mom then you got with yours? In these stories most of the moms were like 90 when they died and I found myself just getting stuck on that and feeling really frustrated. I know that is horrible, I know it hurts no matter how old you are, but if I'm honest, it bothers me sometimes. :/
But, anyway, Abaigeal was amazing, and I don't think I have smiled so big in a long time.
Big girl
11 years ago
Hmm I don't like blogspot cause I can't figure out how to subscribe so I get an email when a new post is made... I'll figure it out. Sorry about not reading this til now...
ReplyDeleteI don't know the book "Feathers brush my heart", I'll have to check it out.
You know my sister, right after our mom died, would have dreams about our mom ALL THE TIME. I couldn't figure out WHY I was never getting those dreams. Even still I don't dream about her a lot and when I do it's usually a dream where I know she's dead and spend most of the dream being amazed she's "here" since she's supposed to be dead. Analyzing that will be another day... back to the point at hand. I didn't have many dreams about her. I don't know why that is.
Over the years I've had times where I really could FEEL my mom's presence and of course times when I thought, she's here, but probably mostly made that up for my own comfort. But there have been a few times when I KNEW she was there, when something within me resonated. I don't know how to explain it... But it's only happened a few times, maybe 3 that I can think of? Two of which were in Hawaii where we left her ashes. Sometimes I feel like I'm in The X-Files and "I Want to Believe". Sometimes I wonder if people just say "oh I can feel them with us" but don't really FEEL it. I don't think it's as common to feel that deep down "I-know-you're-here" feeling, I can't say since everyone is different, but I think a lot of times it's just, sure I "feel" them here. I'm not sure I'm making sense. Someone once told me that my mom doesn't visit me often because she knows I'm okay and don't need to be looked out for. Maybe there's something to that... maybe I'm just trying to come up with a reason as to why my mom doesn't come to my dreams much...
Even though motherloss has bonded us and we're so "similar" because of that loss, every person is different.
Have you ever read "Talking to Heaven"? It's about a medium. I don't know that I believe someone can talk to those "out there" but I guess it helped me see "signs" from my mom in a different way. Maybe that's what I'm trying to say, often my mom leaves "signs" but isn't always WITH me, which is why I've only felt her with me a few times but know that she's still out there.... If you haven't read it you should consider it, but read it with Kleenex and an open mind. ;) XO
PS I hope I didn't offend anyone, I'm not devaluing what anyone has said or how they feel about when they feel a loved one who has passed is with them. So I hope no one takes offense
You know its funny, I have been really questioning an afterlife and what that means exactly, and then yesterday, all day things kept happening that made me think my mom might have had something to do with. I woke up yesterday and when I got into my car there was a feather laying in the center of my windshield. This has happened a few times since she died, once coming out of a job, once at my house, etc. Anyway, it made me think of her because I always hear that theory that a feather means someone who has passed away is near you. But I more or less ignored it and then I went to the book store last night and awhile ago I had read a review about a book called "Broken Open" and I had totally forgotten about it. I was walking through the aisles of books and looked up at the top row and saw that very book. I got in line to buy it and looked over at the bookmarks... My mom really like astrology and stuff so she liked moons, and I saw a moon bookmark with a quote on it, and the quote was by someone named Edith (my moms name). I just thought it was kinda cool, and the book is amazing so far! I actually recommend it for you right now, it has a whole section called the "pheonix process".
ReplyDelete:) and yea, I hate that there are no notifications on here... I try to check yours as often as I remember!